The Path feels so lonely….
Again I know I have been absent and not keeping more regular entries but as the title says…’The Path does feel so lonely”! And as I predicted the last one of “Them” fell off the radar by their choice but past couple of days they now “NEED” me yet they found so many excuses to not be there when I needed them. But them “NEED” comes from a place of lack and they have lacked so much that I expected and hoped of them. And i actually have (sadly) gotten so far to a point of not caring that I can actually “see” better some of the things I was not seeing only because I cared more about “Them” and their feelings and less about me and my own. Funny how they get so defensive when you care more about them than they care about me which that was their only response out of guilt that someone actually gave a damn about them and their feelings while they did not care at all, just enjoyed the “ride” and the attention but again, coming from a vibration of “NEED” due to being alone and feeling lonely
I have been trying to break free of the NEEDING and LACK (money) vibration by finding and following accounts on Instagram that post photos of exotic places and luxury and money and also following people that post inspiration and positive messages and images as well to try and help break this “stuck” place that I have been in for what now feels like an eternity.Funny how i can find time and energy to write and post voice and video posts in my private journal about all the things that are wrong and bad and sucks in my life and the latest on people that are treating me poorly and selfishly YET can find no energy nor desire to (re)write how I desire my life to be along with those feelings if I had and was living that dream life now….I keep saying this to myself and telling my self I am (will) do this when I get home or take a little break during the work day to do this and what usually happens I have a crazy, busy day at work not allowing any free time (and usually on these days don’t even have time for lunch) or I finally get home and am so drained emotionally and mentally I just fall into default operational mode and turn on the TV watching (well not really watching more like background noise) the same programs and just laying across the bed trying not to think anymore and every thing!
I feel like I am wondering around in the darkness, lost and disoriented not knowing which way to go hoping to find a beacon of light in the darkness to guide me back to where I belong, back into the Light and find that hand waiting to help me up out of the pit of darkness and welcome me back home…..But I know the catch is I have to be already in the vibration of already being “home” to be guided “home” and just having so difficulty finding something (or someone) to help shift my vibration closer to where it needs to be…it is NOT easy and becomes very discouraging especially when the days overwhelm me with “Insufficient Funds” emails from the bank on nearly a daily basis to where my account is so negative that when I do finally get paid it just makes my account less negative or leaves me with so much less money that i get stressed on how to make it until I get paid again and having yet again to putting things I need to do or want to do on hold or delay payments yet again, or more important have less or no money for the care of my son that I am missing more and more with every passing day to the point that the longing for him grows deeper and deeper and hurts more and more! Not something that can easily ignored nor easily explained or talked about and with no one to talk to that would understand just feeds more into the loneliness / alone vibration and I spiral even down even deeper….So it is a battle between knowing what I should be doing, thinking and feeling and overcoming “What-Is” my day to day life and long days working teh real job and then putting in additional hours until late at night working the PT job, dragging my tired ass home, a few hours of restless sleep, rinse and repeat! This the imagery from Instagram hoping to help bring (pull) me out a little every day until I can “see” that beacon in the darkness and “feel” my way back into the light….
I am sure that there are others out there a little off course, or like so far off course the Spiritual GPS is “stuck” recalculating thus why I try to write and share and hoping (really hoping) with each entry I find myself a little closer and eventually back on the “Path” (though I know we all have our Own Path to follow to find our way back) and then can be that Example of Living the Law, especially an Living Example of the Law for my son so that he does not know how much his daddy suffers (suffered) but that I can help him build his Own Path that will not be as hazardous and dark as daddy’s is and has been and HE is the one thing that does keep me going and getting up every morning even though hs is thousands of miles away and with no money in the bank and have yet to be able to save any money towards a return trip to Rio to see him and hopefully one day to bring him home with daddy AND have a home to bring him Home too! (had the perfect online imagery of this house for sale locally here and would run that on the laptop before the Windows 10 upgrade trashed it but now that home must have been sold as it is no longer on the site)
I am actually still here at work, everyone else has gone but I am still here and listening to some Amateur Radio Operators talking via DMR and another unsatisfied hunger to fully have the leisure time and money to enjoy my Amateur Radio hobby and to enjoy it from some of these exotic locations or from a yacht out island hopping, just one of many images that I try to hold on to but some days they feel so distant and get lost in that darkness and then the hopeless and frustration set in and I fall back into “default mode”….but each day I try to find little things and ways to remind myself of how I need to be feeling and thinking so that I can be one of those “The Secret Success Stories of the Week”, even entertained the idea of pre-writing this story now and “see” what happens!
So now it is time to go, drive home, and take my evening walk (which I have not been able to do since Monday) and escape these worrying and fearful and negative thoughts and try not to think at least for that period of my walking (heard something about a “Walking Meditation” in passing but lets just work on the not thinking part for now)…my walks are my only true ME time that I have as I do not answer phone calls or messages or emails during my walks, that is MY TIME, I get enough of the “I need.., I need, I need all day well this is MY “I need”!