Category Archives: Daily Thoughts
Again I know I have been absent and not keeping more regular entries but as the title says…’The Path does feel so lonely”! And as I predicted the last one of “Them” fell off the radar by their choice but past couple of days they now “NEED” me yet they found so many excuses to not be there when I needed them. But them “NEED” comes from a place of lack and they have lacked so much that I expected and hoped of them. And i actually have (sadly) gotten so far to a point of not caring that I can actually “see” better some of the things I was not seeing only because I cared more about “Them” and their feelings and less about me and my own. Funny how they get so defensive when you care more about them than they care about me which that was their only response out of guilt that someone actually gave a damn about them and their feelings while they did not care at all, just enjoyed the “ride” and the attention but again, coming from a vibration of “NEED” due to being alone and feeling lonely
I have been trying to break free of the NEEDING and LACK (money) vibration by finding and following accounts on Instagram that post photos of exotic places and luxury and money and also following people that post inspiration and positive messages and images as well to try and help break this “stuck” place that I have been in for what now feels like an eternity.Funny how i can find time and energy to write and post voice and video posts in my private journal about all the things that are wrong and bad and sucks in my life and the latest on people that are treating me poorly and selfishly YET can find no energy nor desire to (re)write how I desire my life to be along with those feelings if I had and was living that dream life now….I keep saying this to myself and telling my self I am (will) do this when I get home or take a little break during the work day to do this and what usually happens I have a crazy, busy day at work not allowing any free time (and usually on these days don’t even have time for lunch) or I finally get home and am so drained emotionally and mentally I just fall into default operational mode and turn on the TV watching (well not really watching more like background noise) the same programs and just laying across the bed trying not to think anymore and every thing!
I feel like I am wondering around in the darkness, lost and disoriented not knowing which way to go hoping to find a beacon of light in the darkness to guide me back to where I belong, back into the Light and find that hand waiting to help me up out of the pit of darkness and welcome me back home…..But I know the catch is I have to be already in the vibration of already being “home” to be guided “home” and just having so difficulty finding something (or someone) to help shift my vibration closer to where it needs to be…it is NOT easy and becomes very discouraging especially when the days overwhelm me with “Insufficient Funds” emails from the bank on nearly a daily basis to where my account is so negative that when I do finally get paid it just makes my account less negative or leaves me with so much less money that i get stressed on how to make it until I get paid again and having yet again to putting things I need to do or want to do on hold or delay payments yet again, or more important have less or no money for the care of my son that I am missing more and more with every passing day to the point that the longing for him grows deeper and deeper and hurts more and more! Not something that can easily ignored nor easily explained or talked about and with no one to talk to that would understand just feeds more into the loneliness / alone vibration and I spiral even down even deeper….So it is a battle between knowing what I should be doing, thinking and feeling and overcoming “What-Is” my day to day life and long days working teh real job and then putting in additional hours until late at night working the PT job, dragging my tired ass home, a few hours of restless sleep, rinse and repeat! This the imagery from Instagram hoping to help bring (pull) me out a little every day until I can “see” that beacon in the darkness and “feel” my way back into the light….
I am sure that there are others out there a little off course, or like so far off course the Spiritual GPS is “stuck” recalculating thus why I try to write and share and hoping (really hoping) with each entry I find myself a little closer and eventually back on the “Path” (though I know we all have our Own Path to follow to find our way back) and then can be that Example of Living the Law, especially an Living Example of the Law for my son so that he does not know how much his daddy suffers (suffered) but that I can help him build his Own Path that will not be as hazardous and dark as daddy’s is and has been and HE is the one thing that does keep me going and getting up every morning even though hs is thousands of miles away and with no money in the bank and have yet to be able to save any money towards a return trip to Rio to see him and hopefully one day to bring him home with daddy AND have a home to bring him Home too! (had the perfect online imagery of this house for sale locally here and would run that on the laptop before the Windows 10 upgrade trashed it but now that home must have been sold as it is no longer on the site)
I am actually still here at work, everyone else has gone but I am still here and listening to some Amateur Radio Operators talking via DMR and another unsatisfied hunger to fully have the leisure time and money to enjoy my Amateur Radio hobby and to enjoy it from some of these exotic locations or from a yacht out island hopping, just one of many images that I try to hold on to but some days they feel so distant and get lost in that darkness and then the hopeless and frustration set in and I fall back into “default mode”….but each day I try to find little things and ways to remind myself of how I need to be feeling and thinking so that I can be one of those “The Secret Success Stories of the Week”, even entertained the idea of pre-writing this story now and “see” what happens!
So now it is time to go, drive home, and take my evening walk (which I have not been able to do since Monday) and escape these worrying and fearful and negative thoughts and try not to think at least for that period of my walking (heard something about a “Walking Meditation” in passing but lets just work on the not thinking part for now)…my walks are my only true ME time that I have as I do not answer phone calls or messages or emails during my walks, that is MY TIME, I get enough of the “I need.., I need, I need all day well this is MY “I need”!
The past several weeks have been interesting as I have found that obviously a vibrational change is taking place, not sure if in the correct direction or not….yet…but I have found a lot of “dead-weight” individuals have been removed from my life. And they happened pretty much in a short time of each other and where before I would have been a little upset, now I just laugh it off because I have been pushed very close to that point of “I don’t care anymore” and surprisingly this has been liberating (to a degree) as now other’s actions (or lack thereof) do not upset me as much or at all as used to be. Now I still have to “care” about ME and not be included in that “I do not care anymore” mode. But still a very long way to go as I have been finding more and more how much I have unintentionally let go with regards to ME and my spiritual growth because I was given so much attention to “Them” (aka the dead weight) because they constantly demanded me and my attention to “Them” and make them feel good and happy and give and give and give and even when I did not have to give they still begged me to give what I did not have….which only fed more and more into the feelings of lack! But as each one of “Them” has dropped off the radar and the current disk that I find myself on that has started freeing me to have a little more left for ME!
Whenever you are feeling less than good, if you will stop and say, Nothing is more important than that I feel good—I want to find a reason now to feel good, you will find an improved thought.
Anytime you feel negative emotion, you are in the mode of resisting something that you want, and that resistance takes its toll on you. It takes its toll on your physical body, and it takes its toll on the amount of wonderful things that you are allowing to come into your experience.
Excerpted from the book “Money and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Health, Wealth & Happiness”
Well, I can honestly say that I am and have been feeling WAY less than good! And I wish I could find a way to “FEEL GOOD” but I have allowed “what-is” to build up so much momentum now that IT has become a formidable foe to contend with but have been doing my best not to keep feeding IT….But every morning the barrage of phone calls from creditors reminds me of the lack of money which has been further fed by little to no hours now at the PT job though I ask if there is any work every day, but told nothing today or that the work that does need to be done is not worth paying me at my rate to do. And to further “feed” into that need to constant begging from others to give them money for this crisis and that emergency or crying not having money for food (had two in the same day say this not caring nor understanding that I did not have money for food either) and having to explain that I too was struggling and having to get by on a gift card that was given to me for my son and here daddy is having to use it and withdrawing money from my Gym Pact account to settle the negative balance in my PayPal account and have a little money for groceries. But I find the most difficult obstacle is how to tell the creditors, the beggars, and myself “I ain’t got no money” BUT at the same time NOT TELL THAT STORY but to find a way to tell a new story when the movie of the current story is on a endless loop all day, every day? Not an easy task but someone have to find a way, yet have not yet found a way….so hoping today’s Law of Attraction quotation and the photo will help me feel better…the photo is from Rio de Janeiro and I LONG and HUNGER to return there….not sure why, but I ‘feel’ something every time I am there, a calm and peace that I hunger for but can’t seem to find here swimming…okay, more like drowning in “What-Is” every day and night….and stay so stressed that I stay feeling drained and exhausted and my heart rate continues to be too high to make a little extra money selling blood plasma and when I wake in the morning my bed looks like I have been in the UFC or WWF all night….so that calm, peace and “better feeling” place continues to elufde me hidden and clocked by “What-is”….so hoping this trip next week for my brother’s wedding (and try not to dwell on the fact that I continue to be the only single sibling as well as the oldest) and just enjoy a change of venue for a few days and hope to get at least to a place of feeling General and close enough to “touch” feeling good…if only for a momeent….
Again, in the office alone so again can actually make and have time to again be here to make a quick entry….it amazes me seeing the things people can make time for no matter how tired or exhausted they claim to be YET can’t make time for those they should be making time for because they “say” that they are so tired and exhausted while trying to keep my mouth shut from saying what is really on my mind as I can “feel” a disturbance in the Force while the BS-o-meter is going off the scale. But why do I keep giving attention to “THIS” and thus keeping this vibration/circumstance active? Even during my evening walk that is ME TIME and not think about any of THIS and other things bothering me nor work YET the entire walk my mind was full of mental dialog of what I want and should say but then say why bother because IF I NEED to keep saying these things again and again and THEY stil don’t “see” then they don’t belong in my world so I just need to take my focus, emotions and thoughts off of THEM and allow my vibration to rise to where it needs to be and anyone not a vibrational match will just fall and fade away….much easier said than done when such deep emotions are involved but I got to start working more on ME and my “feeling good” and happy because it is more and more painfully obvious no one else is in charge of my happiness but ME!
This past holiday weekend and days have been very interesting in that several people shown me more of their true selves….One crying to me asking for money, (yes, yet another one crawling to me with their sob story) and explain to them I cannot help and why I cannot help and their response was they got very angry, but said their understood and would never bother me again….BUT this person has since apologized several times to me which surprised me as they gave me the impression of never talking to me again. So their apology and what they said in their message did help me feel a little better so yes, I am grabbing on to the glimmer of better feeling and “milking” it!
Another thing that has been happening I have been making (many) requests of someone of something that I have been wanting (and needing, yeah I know that damn “need” vibration) and they have been going out of their way to ignore me and my requests until I finally asked why were they ignoring me AND my requests. Of course they got very defensive citing how so very busy they have been and other excuses which I calmly countered…if they have time to post status updates, comment on photos, share and post photo and share pages in their Facebook while they are so “very busy” they have time to fulfill my requests. Well lets just say they didn’t like my blowing a gaping hole in their “I am so very busy excuse” and said some very unpleasant things and told me they would shutdown their Facebook page if this was bothering so much! I never said what they were doing was bothering I was pointing out that if they got time for this they got time for other more important things. Well, they were back to doing the same things that evening and talked to me like the previous conversation and blowup never occurred i.e no apology nor admission that I was correct or anything but that is fine because ironically what I have been asking from them has been and being given to me by another whom I never made this request too…and to make it even more interesting I again made my request this morning of this person and again this afternoon the other person gave me what I asked / requested from the first person AND neither person knows each other??? Okay Source explain this one to me….
I know I do not post here as often as I should or would like and want to be ultimately posting more uplifting, encouraging, positive things…being a living example of what the Law of Attraction can and will do but still working on getting there, it is and has not been easy, actually quite exhausting with “What-is” always waiting for me around every corner it seems. Sunday for example I vowed to NOT DO ANYTHING but try to (remember how to) R E L A X…the only thing I really did was go out and ride the bicycle for about 20 miles and just napped, watched television, watched the Tour de France online (the only sport I really enjoy) and vegged as much as possible. There were a few spikes from people trying to intrude in on my “me time”, even listened to some brainwaves app that is supposed to help one relax. And I think I got through the day reasonably well…it was waking up with such a knot of stress in my stomach Monday that seemed to kill all the good that was accomplished on Sunday, so my week did not start off very well. But here today the boss if off still from the holiday, the other technicians are out so it is just me here alone in the shop trying again to find a calmer and more general vibrational area to reside in long enough that I can maintain it long enough to gradually tweak it up higher and higher and not give in to all that is bothering me, stressing me, worrying me, upsetting me, and shutting of the mental dialog I want to have with certain people but just disconnect from them and all that is not in alignment with where I want and desire to be….
You know a year ago I spent money that I did not have to spare on custom domains for this and another site with hopes of getting into the WordAds program and being able to generate a little extra residual income here, but a year later have not heard anything, not even a rejection and it is coming time to renew the custom domains and not even have enough money to pay attention right now. BUT that is giving attention to “What-Is”, I know….but after what I had to emotionally endure this past weekend…..even “General Vibration” seem light years away! Not going to re-hash and go through it here plus some of it is just to difficult to even explain…even I can’t fathom how I got “here” let alone try to explain to it to someone to even understand a fraction of what I am “feeling” now and having to live with it and still try to function through the day. Been trying to go to the local blood plasma clinic to donate (translation = sell) my blood plasma for extra money and even here I am blocked from making extra money….seems that my pulse is too high…hmmm, wonder why??? Needless to say I have made three attempts so far and they test you three times and I have been rejected each time…no, not frustrating at all especially when I see people in various physical conditions and they ALL have lower that 100 pulse rates??? And I walk every day, more on Saturday and Sunday and still too high? Needless to say now this has created an “anxiety” vibration that the moment the BP cuff tightens on my arms i can feel my heart starting to race! Now I am so discouraged I am like why bother because I still have had no success but we how follow the LOA know that we cannot and must never give up but just continue to persevere until we achieve the desired vibrational levels and happiness and then how our vibrationally match…of course it already does even if it is not the life that we desire but this serves as the mirror to help us focus and tweak until we have the life we desire to live…..(I hope my thoughts are coming out correct as I am getting distracted by demands of work and other’s which is why it took me days to get back to the previous entry)….
One of the continuous issues I have been dealing with is the lack (need) of and for money and thus keep attracting peope “needing” money and coming and thinking and asking (actually begging and demanding) for money and then not understand why I will not help them. I say “I cannot help you” and give the reasons why but what they “hear” is “I will not help you or I do not want to help you” and then they get angry with me and see me as a “bad person”….I am sorry that they have their own financial challenges/issues/problems but I can’t help you if my financial house is in a mess but they fail to see and understand this as they are blinded by their own need (selfish or not) and choose not to understand that I can’t give what I do not have! Of course this continues to further feed into the “Need Money” / “Lack of Money” vibration…..a challenge to break free of especially when my whole weekend was just a barrage of gimme money, gimme money, why won’t you gimme money? It almost pushes one to the point of just not caring to reduce the affects of the emotional backlash and not have the residual vibration clinging to me attracting more of the same to deal with.
Today’s photo I felt fitting and think about the affirmation “I lift mine eyes until the hills from whence cometh my strength!” and strength is what I am NEEDING much of right now as I feel so exhausted and drained and just going through the day to day motions i.e. “hamster wheel” mode. When I take my walks I “try” to push aside what is currently bothering me and has me stressed with saying affirmation of any kind or what “feels” right at that moment so that I can given less attention to what is NOT desired. Well, enough for now, work demands are increasing and distracting me and making it more challenging to keep my thoughts and focus……
Yes…I know…yet again out of touch with no regular posts here….”what-is” can and has been a very formidable foe these past couple of weeks! BUT my attention to “What-is” only seeks to give it more control over my life and affairs, giving me even more to focus on (IT) and thus the momentum speeds up more and more…..Needless to say my mood has not been very good these past several weeks and my sleep has been more and more restless and my body is “talking” to me about the lack of sleep that I have been getting….and even this “dialog” from my body has prevented me from making a little extra money from donating (selling) blood plasma with the lack of sleep and stress my BP and pulse were both too high to be allowed through the process. What is even funnier (well trying to laugh about it so that I do not get so pissed off) but with my increased lack (need) for money more and more people keep running to me with their financial problems asking for money, even people that have not talked to me or ignored my messages for weeks NOW all of sudden remember about me because they NEED something (money) from me! One even kept repeating their “subliminal” indirect request for money and I knew what they were doing and I just kept ignoring them until about after their 5th of so attempt of “I just don’t know what I am going to do…etc…) and when I finally said “politely” I wish I could help BUT….and they quickly said that they were not asking for money…yeah, right..okay…whatever!
Okay started this post on last Thursday and just NOW getting back to it….damn “What-Is’! So just going to post and start a new…..
Yes, I know been MIA yet again but it is that busy time of year again when I take two weeks off from work to prepare for and work the MS Bike 150 which was this past weekend and then immediately followed by getting ready for and working Harborfest. Yes, take time off from work to do volunteer work but ironically it seems to be the only time I can get off from work and this year has been especially stressful because it seems that everything has been happening at work as soon I took time off, so much that I had to work half a day on my first day off to take care of things and have been called, emailed and text message nearly every day, multiple times a day and then my boss sends me a message asking me why i did not complete some mandatory online training class….I can barely stay on top of the day to day stuff without these “mandatory” training classes that keep getting dumped on us….so my reply was not enough hours in the day and not enough me to go around, I guess working half a day on a day off was not enough, guess I should have just worked that whole day and done that training class too!
These past several days have been especially emotionally and vibrationally challenging with again no money in the bank but having to use my Paypal account to pay for parking down here getting ready for Harborfest AND pay for lunch and soon dinner when we officially open and still got people bugging me and begging endlessly to give them money to pay rent, money to buy food, money for medicine because they are sick and on and on and on….its making me crazy how everyone thinks they can just ask for any amount of money and I am just supposed to have it laying around in surplus to give to them…..NOW, YES…I would love to have money in surplus and to be honest IF I had it I would not mind helping if the need was sincere BUT I do not have it but saying that seems to fall on deaf ears as they then beg for lesser amounts trying to get something. What is the challenge, along with the endless begging every day and night, is the “saying” to them I do not have any money which I know is also “feeding” that lack vibration even more thus how does one tell someone I do not have money to give them without it “feeding” more into that lack vibration? Needless to say their begging and my trying to “find” some mental and emotion haven to escape the begging and the daily bank emails reminding me of insufficient funds as they pay yet another payment and add their $35 fee on top of it makes me feel so “trapped” in the “lack of money” hamster wheel.
The one nice thing is at the end of the day I have been going out and walking along the waterfront on the Elizabeth River to get my daily Fitbit steps in and log my walks for my Pact (which I had $117 in that account but have had to cash out $75 to help get me through this week BUT i am thankful I had it available to draw from) and I try to take my mind off these things and enjoy the peace, the view, the setting sun, the nice boats docked dreaming about having one (or at least access to one) of my own to enjoy much needed and deserved leisure time, something that is so very foreign to me these days. Enjoying the peace now because in a few more days Downtown and the waterfront will be full of people, vendors, entertainers, etc….and then my walks will be weaving in and out of the mass of people. Of course will still be getting much needed air and walk time just won’t be as peaceful but will be full of many distractions to take me mind off of “what-is”.
Well….back to programming radios and setting things up as we open at 7AM tomorrow morning to start issuing radios……